Early on in recovery, I was continually challenged. I did not want to see the things in me that I was not ready to change or did not want to change at all. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been in an unhealthy relationship? If the answer is yes, and if you are honest, then the likelihood is you were either A hostage or a hostage-taker. If you are a person prone to addiction the likelihood is, you were the hostage-taker. A hostage is defined as a person given or held as security for the fulfillment of certain conditions or terms, promises, or purpose by another. I will let you determine whether you have been the hostage or the hostage-taker. You have been one, the other, or both. The reason I can say that with such certainty is that people of addiction like control. Whether it is a place, thing, or person, we want to control. Even when it means we give the impression we are relinquishing control we want to take it. We become so good at hostage-taking we often disguise it as love or caring for the other person. I was about 18 months sober and I was noticing the challenges I was having in committed relationships. I went to a confidant of mine and asked him for his opinion. He told me that I did not have relationships what I did was take hostages. I was astonished. I could not believe that someone who said they cared for me would say something so cruel. Because this person did care for me, I was obligated to examine his assessment. I learned a lesson then and there. Even though I was 18 months sober I still had so much to learn and grow through. I tried to recognize and overcome my selfishness and self-centeredness. I did not want to see it was the root of my being a hostage-taker. I began checking my motives for every person I considered for a relationship. I not only considered myself but more importantly, I considered them. I asked myself, what is it that I see in this person, what can I bring to them in the relationship, and what was my honest motive for being involved with this person? Using that as my criteria, I found myself not chasing relationships. I began allowing relationships to find me. I developed a new sense of emotional honesty. I realized that I was looking to be fixed as much as I wanted to fix it. I would often disguise needing to be fixed by referring to myself as a person who could fix them. This was one of the healthiest things I could do. If you find yourself in a similar situation as me and you want to resolve it then there is a path that you should follow. If we ever expect to have a healthy relationship we need to stop manipulating and taking hostages and become healthy and stop the need to be a hostage.
Robert Pardon
Robert is the Recovery Guy. Getting clean and sober on April 25, 1986 has given me the insight and practical skill set to not only stay sober, but to also re-invent myself to the person I always wanted to become. Showing others how to do this is my life goal.
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