What do you think of when you hear the word holidays? Does it bring excitement—thoughts of traditions, memories, and family? Or does it bring pain, difficult memories, and reminders of broken promises? I have always loved putting up the tree while listening to the Carpenter’s Christmas album, decorating gingerbread houses with my kids, driving to Christmas light displays, and making magic for the holidays.

When I was living with active addiction, I never saw the forest for the trees. I was always living from crisis to crisis. It was not until I had the gift of hindsight that I had the clarity to realize that holidays and special days were always targets for disappointment. At the moment, the excuse given for skipping a family trip, or missing a birthday was always believable to me. Looking back, I realized how many celebrations that they were simply unable to participate in. Whether it was their pain from their past surrounding those memories or moments, or whether it was their inability to be present does not really matter. What matters is I allowed my expectations surrounding holidays and special dates on the calendar to give me premeditated resentments. My ability to practice loving detachment became critical for me to be able to enjoy the holidays regardless of another’s participation. Letting go of what I thought they should or should not do for any holiday tradition, freed me to do what I could do and enjoy the moment for what it was. Instead of wasting my energy and thoughts on what I wish they were doing, I could spend that energy being present and making a memory.

It is not my job to ask someone to grow if they do not want to.

My relationships are better in every way when I let go of my expectations for what someone else should or should not be doing. This allows them to be fully themselves and for me to live fully present and enjoy them for who they are and what they are willing to offer in any given moment. This is true for every relationship we have in our lives. Recovery gives me this perspective and I am grateful at Christmas and every other significant or mundane day as well. I read something this week that said, “why do we only rest in peace, why don’t we live in peace?” For some reason that really resonated for me, especially during this holiday season. We get to choose whether we take our peace into any situation. Here is to peaceful holidays, no matter what our outward circumstances look like.

Robert Pardon

Robert is the Recovery Guy. Getting clean and sober on April 25, 1986 has given me the insight and practical skill set to not only stay sober, but to also re-invent myself to the person I always wanted to become. Showing others how to do this is my life goal.

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