I Don’t Want To Die. Maybe you’re not a rock or pop music fan. Maybe you like the Sons of Anarchy. That is 7 seasons of strap yourself in and hold on for the ride. It is certainly the top three of any series I’ve ever watched. It is right up there with the Sopranos and Breaking Bad.
As most of you know by now, I look to life and my personal experiences as my canvas for most of my topics. One of the most popular songs of all time is Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. If you are any type of music fan and have listened to the radio you have heard the song. If you are one of the few people on the planet to have not heard this song I would suggest that you give it a listen. It is musically perfect and lives in the history of songwriting. It is one of the most melodramatic songs you’ll ever hear. In the song, Freddie Mercury sings “I don’t want to die, I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.” Just hearing that line reminds me so much of the despair that I had in my active addictive state. Do you remember feeling that way? It is what co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson, called “incomprehensible demoralization.”
In episode 13 of season 6, Gemma was talking to Juice. She asked him if he wanted to die and he said he didn’t want to die he just doesn’t know how to live.
Whether you take the Queen line of “I don’t want to die I sometimes I wish I’d never been born at all” or “I don’t want to die I just don’t know how to live.” The pain and frustration come from the same place. In normal circumstances, life comes with a set of challenges and we just call that life. To a person who is desperately addicted via a substance and or a devastating behavior the resulting feeling is the same. Where we end up does cause many to die only because the pain of not knowing how to live becomes far greater than their will to live. Once we turn that corner the question becomes, where do we go and what do we do? If we don’t have a plan, we will revert to the addiction behavior and sink even lower.
One of the most important things to remember is that living is not merely the absence of not dying. I guess in the literal sense it is, but that’s not what I am talking about. I am talking about learning to live in a way that causes you and me to celebrate. Life needs to be as joyous in our living as our despair was prior to recovery.
Here is a guideline that can help you along your way. These can be in the order where you find yourself in life.
- The choice to live you always wanted has always been your choice
- Locate and isolate your internal value. If need be speak with someone who cares for you. They can help guide you
- Be willing to set aside EVERYTHING that doesn’t validate and elevate you as a person
- Find a circle of people who believe toward themselves as you decided you would feel toward yourself
- Meditate and focus on how you have always wanted to live your life of victory
- Go live that life
- Expect setbacks and disappointments
- Be committed to the process
- Connect and stay connected to a power greater than yourself
- Enjoy the ride of and for a lifetime
When we decide that we want to live more than we want to be in pain of living we are ready to take certain steps. Let me know how your journey goes. I am always here for you.
Robert Pardon
Robert is the Recovery Guy. Getting clean and sober on April 25, 1986 has given me the insight and practical skill set to not only stay sober, but to also re-invent myself to the person I always wanted to become. Showing others how to do this is my life goal.
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