In this step, Humility and Honesty lead the way. If I had to choose two words to embrace Step 9, it would be these. Rigorous honesty and true humility are essential to “Make direct amend to such people wherever possible, except where to do so would injure them or others.” When I first heard this step read aloud in an Al-Anon meeting, it seemed so intimidating. However, it would be months before I was ready to take Step 9. I needed the help of my sponsor. I was less anxious because of the 8 steps previously taken.
So much of Step 9 is more than just an apology. It is about moving forward differently. Many of the amends I needed to make were living amends. Yes, there were direct amends I needed to make, to myself, my children, my mother, and a few close friends. There were also a few I could not make. My father had already passed away. There were also direct amends that would harm me or the person who I needed to make the amends. In some cases, I wrote letters, then read them to my sponsor, and then burned them in the fire. This helped me let them go to God. The beauty of the steps is they can be revisited often. If God or your Higher Power allows an opportunity, we can be ready to make the direct amends when the time is right.
Some amends were tangible. One was monetary. Your amends will be personal to your journey. Either way, be sure you make those amends to yourself as well. How can I show up differently for myself? How can I not believe the lies addiction tells me—that it is all my fault? How can I practice compassion with myself? How can I practice compassion with the addict? These are the questions that when answered, and acted on accordingly, free me to live a life that aligns with my recovery.
If I can embrace this step with courage and honesty—not flinch and take responsibility for my actions, I will relieve myself from the bondage of the past. I simply cannot change one moment from the past. This step is about freeing myself of its power over me. My energy can then be spent in the present. I do not have to live with the guilt and shame of my choices in the past which I am equally powerless to change. I can be honest about their impact. I can genuinely seek to make my amends. This step is NOT about the other person’s response. The point of this step can never be to receive their forgiveness. Our amends is never to be about their response. They may be surprised we feel the need to make amends. They may offer additional character flaws to our list, or they may be indifferent. The outcome is not the reason for making the amends. It is about cleaning up our side of the street. We can move forward when we take the right action and forgive ourselves and act differently.
With the wise counsel of a sponsor and the help of our Higher Power, the list we made in Step 8 will become the template for Step 9. We do not need to tackle the full list at once. We can trust that our Higher Power will make the opportunities available when we are ready. You may recall that I suggested a list was three parts: amends I am willing to make, those I may be able to make, and those I am not sure I can make. Start with those you are willing to and can make. Just as a large python can eat an entire deer one inch at a time, we too can make these amends. Initially, they may seem daunting. That is why we take them one at a time. This is one of the most powerful principles in all of recovery. It is not only One Day at a Time. It is also, One Step at a Time.
Remember, practice grace with yourself, and the working of this step over time not only allows us to live with the wisdom of the past. It supplies the freedom from its tethers over our present. “Let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness.” The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.”
Robert Pardon
Robert is the Recovery Guy. Getting clean and sober on April 25, 1986 has given me the insight and practical skill set to not only stay sober, but to also re-invent myself to the person I always wanted to become. Showing others how to do this is my life goal.
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