All in the Family

In the arena of addiction, often, the addict or the person acting out is the focus. I can see where this would be a main concern. In most cases this is the person causing the most disruption and harm. Having said that, the entire family needs assistance if the family is going to get well. Once again, I do not want to diminish or negate the contribution that the person acting out brings to the table, but the other players in this scenario must not be ignored as part of the equation and especially as people who need help.

So often, you will hear that if they would just stop drinking or if they would just stop gambling or if they would stop engaging in another negative behavior then we would be fine. That may have been true in the very beginning or onset of the person acting out, but that changes rather quickly. Within a relatively short period of time family members need to adapt to the imbalance that the addict brings to the family.

Many years ago, I was introduced through John Bradshaw, Bradshaw on the Family, John introduced me to the term homeostasis. This is an interesting term, and it helps focus on what happens within a family dynamic when you have a person of influence being addicted to a substance and or behavior. Homeostasis is essentially a family trying to keep their psychological balance because of the tension that is elevated in the home because of the person acting out.

In the animal Kingdom, it is a way that insects and other animals will behave cooperatively to produce a desired or balanced result. Everyone within this family organization must cooperate for balance to be achieved. It is a way of appearing normal when normalcy is otherwise not achievable. It is a self-protective response to a highly volatile and dysfunctional system. When we look at the personality types within a family, we look at children and then the significant other.

This is interesting with children because they could not articulate what they are doing it is based on emotional necessity and survivability. We will see individuals such as the hero, the scapegoat, the mascot, the lost child while oftentimes the significant other is the caretaker, and then of course in the middle of all this, you have the addict.

Every one of these individuals plays a necessary role in achieving homeostasis. The number of family members and the gender makeup of those family members will often determine what role each person takes on as well as how many roles a person may take on. The larger the family the less often an individual must take on dual roles. Let us also add into the equation the birth order of these children. Birth order is also an indicator of what role they may take on.

Some may seem obvious to you in terms of the attributes described within the label. Others not so much. The hero is often considered the person who comes in to clean everything up and to save the day very rarely gets blamed for anything and in many cases is playing the most challenging role. Amid their heartache and disappointment, they are to keep that smile on and act as if they can handle it and keep everything together.

The scapegoat, whether it is true or not, is the person that everything gets blamed on. This person will oftentimes feel the most trapped because guilty or not they are getting blamed for it. They are often considered to be the black sheep of the family and there is nothing that they can do or say that will change their position in the family. Next, we have the mascot.

The mascot is the one who will be almost a cheerleader and the one who will try to make everyone laugh and make light of a situation when it seems the darkest. This person is likely to have a very up and down and charismatic personality as if they were a chameleon trying to decide which color they should be next. This person rarely has a positive self-identity. Their identity is whatever the family needs to achieve that balance amid their imbalances.

The next family member or sibling that we would consider is the lost child. This person has given up a long time ago and they are almost as if they are not there and yet we need them to help bring balance to the rest of the room. This person is often the one who will commit suicide and become an addict themselves for them to survive. It seems strange that this person would commit suicide as a means of survival, but what they feel that they have been through sometimes suicide is their survival in their way of escape. They feel so disillusioned and disappointed in themselves and others that they have lost that feeling up to life’s enjoyment.

Finally, we come to the caretaker who tends to tend to everyone and to make sure that everyone is OK. Including the addict, they will be the one to go and assure everyone that everything is going to be OK despite the dark appearance of the current situation. Therefore, it is so important for family members and those who are close to the family to seek out assistance and even counseling where indicated.

If you were to remove the addict these behaviors are already ingrained in the person and without help, the likelihood is they will carry this personality into adult relationships and have disastrous results. Addiction is a family disease. I hope you find an avenue to make sure that everyone is treated. What a shame it would be for the addict to get well while those left in their wake continue to suffer.