Do you remember as a child all the games that you would play with friends, brothers, and sisters if you had him? We would play games like Ring Around the Rosie, Duck-Duck-Goose, Tag, and Dodgeball. Most of these games could be played with a varying amount of people. For some of the games, too many kids would pose a problem in other games, not enough kids would pose an equal problem. One of the games that were most popular was Hide and Seek. Maybe you played the game before or maybe you haven’t. If you have played the game, please indulge me as I describe it to those who may not have. In this game, you would find a base where the person trying to find you would stand and begin to count. They which stand by a tree or some other safe place, close their eyes and count to 10 or 20 to give those hiding an opportunity to find a place where they could not be found.
As the game would be played, the person seeking those who were hiding would give everyone an ample amount of time to find a place to hide and would seek them out. The key to it was for the person seeking to find the people hiding before they could get to the safe place and touch the tree or the pole or whatever that safe place was, then wait until the round was over. If the person hiding was found by the person seeking before they could get to the safe place, then they would have to do the seeking for the next round. You usually had a limit to the size of the area that you could hide because it would be unfair to the person seeking those who were hiding and make it near impossible for them to be caught.
We would play this game for hours and hours on end. The great thing about it was you didn’t need a ball, or a glove, or any other type of apparatus or equipment to successfully play the game. This made the game more open to those who may not have had a ball or glove or something else you would need to play the game. Also, you didn’t need a basketball court or needed to go to the park to find a baseball diamond or something like that that was necessary to play the game on. Also, the game was played outside and that made it even more enjoyable. We were fortunate, in that we lived on a street that had a great number of kids.
It’s interesting that it represents how we play games as a child before our addiction sets in and we play a very similar game as teens and adults as addiction and dependency becomes active. If there is anything that I have learned about my addiction in its active state was how to hide and not be found. For years, I would hide behind alcohol, drugs, and other negative behaviors with the hope of hiding the level of inadequacy I felt regarding myself. When it came to others seeking me, I became very chameleon. Ultimately my goal was not to be found by those seeking at all. Even with those that were close to me I tried to only show them what I thought was safe. The more they would seek, the more I would hide.
It would be safe to say that my entire addictive career was spent playing a form of hide and seek. The more I would become entrenched in my addiction the more I would find it necessary to hide. The more I would find it necessary to hide the less I would want to be found from those who were seeking. This created such a degree of pain in me. So many of the people that were seeking me were doing so with wonderful, loving, and caring intentions. They meant only the best for me. My level of self-esteem was so decimated that hiding became the equivalent of breathing.
When I first came into recovery back in 1985, I came through the doors of gamblers anonymous. Gambling was not my primary addiction. My primary addiction was alcohol. Gambling became an extension of that addiction. One of the rules for a person who is addicted is to protect the supply. Therefore, if I had to admit anything it would be something other than alcohol. Just as hiding became as breath to me alcohol had become was the necessary ingredient to my hiding.
The most important thing I’ve learned in recovery is that there is no reason to hide. I’m not the person I thought I was. I am not a nothing. I am not a person who will never achieve greatness. I’m a person who never wanted to be found because of that I thought you would think of me. When I finally put down the alcohol, drugs and began revealing myself to you I found all you wanted was to let me know how much you cared. I also discovered I had something to give back to you.
I don’t play hide and seek anymore. The last thing I would ever want to do is hide who I am from myself and others. The most enjoyable thing in my life is to reveal myself to those who are seeking me. I view people who seek me as those who will make me better, who I can make better, and more often, a beautiful combination of both.
Robert Pardon
Robert is the Recovery Guy. Getting clean and sober on April 25, 1986 has given me the insight and practical skill set to not only stay sober, but to also re-invent myself to the person I always wanted to become. Showing others how to do this is my life goal.
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