10 Steps of Setting Boundaries Part 1

Setting Boundaries is an essential way to a healthy way of living. “If the city has no walls then anyone can enter.” We must have them to keep from negative people, places and things as well. Setting boundaries is only the beginning. Once we have them set we know must guard them. Today we will look at boundary suggestions 1-5 and Thursday we will discuss 6-10. I found these on the internet several years ago and do not who the author is to give credit. I have implemented these in my own life and I can attest they work.

1. Name your limits.

You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. Identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. “Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.”

2. Tune into your feelings.

There are two key feelings in others that are red flags or cues that we’re letting go of our boundaries: discomfort and resentment. Think of these feelings on a continuum from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone.

If you’re at the higher end of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, ask yourself, what is causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is bothering me?

Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.” It’s often a sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we feel guilty (and want to be a good daughter or wife, for instance), or someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values on us, she said.

When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue to us they may be violating or crossing a boundary.

3. Be direct.

With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue. Usually, this is the case if people are similar in their communication styles, views, personalities and general approach to life. They’ll “approach each other similarly.”

With others, such as those who have a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example: “one person feels [that] challenging someone’s opinions is a healthy way of communicating,” but to another person this feels disrespectful and tense.

There are other times you might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a boundary issue. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.

4. Give yourself permission.

Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls. We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter or son, even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.” We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.

Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. Give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.

5. Practice self-awareness.

Again, boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, ask yourself: What’s changed? Consider “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?”

I hope you enjoyed today’s introduction to healthy boundaries. Please sign up below for our bi-monthly newsletter that is coming out in this month.