“Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” The trouble I had with this step when I first read it was it required me to believe the truth that much of my life had become insane. If in fact, one of the definitions of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result,” then indeed, my life was at least partly insane. “If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed (ancient Chinese proverb before finding Al Anon) There were many times I felt like a victim. My choice to keep saying “if only“ or imagining a different history kept me stuck. My choice to worry about the future kept me from enjoying the present. I would blame another for my behavior. Left unchecked, my thinking had allowed me to accept bad behavior in others as well as myself. I often felt like I had to figure everything out on my own as if there were no help available to me. It became obvious to me that, on my own, I was not able to handle the effects that alcoholism had on my family’s life. That is where the hope of this step comes in. There is a power greater than myself. To quote someone in the program, “there is a God, and you are not it.” There is great comfort in that statement. If I am willing to accept step one—my powerlessness—and then believe in a God greater than myself, then there is a path to wholeness. There is not another human that can heal me. Nor could my perseverance, determination or will power. What I needed was something beyond my own ability. A source not restricted by my human limitations. My need was obvious, at least to those closest to me. I will never forget the courage of someone very dear to me saying “Suzy, you are like a beat dog.” I could hardly recognize the person in the mirror. How could a girl who achieved her goals of a doctoral education and starting her own business end up in a puddle, confiding in her cousin, and hear those words? And she was right. That conversation begins to change the trajectory toward finding myself—toward wholeness. I knew the God of my understanding was the only way toward that. I was ready to surrender. I was ready to ask God to do for me what I could not do for myself. In my daily life I had gotten to the point where I would make big deals out of little things and overlook important things that were crucial. I was so overwhelmed and in denial about the disease that I failed to realize not everything should get equal attention. The slogan, “How important is it?” was welcomed into my new way of thinking. And if you ask my children today, they will tell you I am not a “freak out” mom. That is the beauty of recovery. The more awareness I gain of this step, the more I understand how critical it is to my new way of thinking. To be restored to sanity means a “life filled with love, hope, patience, serenity, peace, goodwill, enthusiasm, courage, and God.” ~Reaching for Personal Freedom. It is not really necessary for me to understand how God works to let Him work and enjoy the benefits of His power. I am no longer afraid when I face new challenges. I just remind myself that with God I can handle things as they come, one bit at a time. I cannot articulate how critical it was for me to do this work before my son was diagnosed with his heart disease. The steps and this way of living have allowed me to navigate each new challenge with him as well. The longer I live this way, the more I see how it applies to all areas of my life. It applies in the workplace, in all my relationships, and my finances. Change is not easy, but neither is being miserable. So, I am wishing us all the courage it takes to embrace step two.
