“We are only as sick as our secrets” is a quote attributed to AA. I promise its validity extends to all areas of wellness and recovery. The fifth step says, “Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” This was the step that’s seemed impossible the first time I read it.
I learned the beauty of the process of the steps. No one asked me to do step five first. Through the journey of steps one, two, and three, I was able to trust my higher power enough to take an honest inventory in step four. I could not deny the fact that my life had already begun to improve by applying the first three steps to all areas of my life. My desire to get well exceeded the fear that I had surrounding this fifth step.
I will not forget walking into Panera with my notebook, my journal, and a pen. I remember clutching it tightly and breathing a prayer for the courage to follow through. I’m not sure what response I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the warmth that my sponsor extended as I began to honestly unpack “the exact nature of my wrongs.” She said things like, “me too,” and “it sounds like you were doing what you could to survive.” Instead of humiliation, I experienced profound humility for our shared human experience. I was also able to see how much alcoholism had affected my life. I was able to see how much this disease had affected my children’s lives.
It’s incredible to me how much shame can separate us from intimate friendships or relationships. As long as I allow shame to affect my ability to show up fully present, I will miss out on the beauty of real friendship. When I am willing to let down my guard of pretending everything is perfect, I pave the way for an authentic human connection. It’s not our perfection that draws people to us it’s our realness.
My daughter and I were talking one day after she had a therapy session and she said, “Mom, my therapist says that we never really show anybody everything about us. We have some friends that know some things and other friends that know other things but nobody knows everything.“ We had a brief conversation about why that might be, but then a smile crept across my face. I could not hide because I knew, thanks to this powerful step, that there was at least one person that knew everything and still loved me. I hadn’t even realized how much that freed me to be fully present in the rest of my close friendships.
There is a difference between telling everyone your business, and admitting to God, and ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Admitting them to God was probably the easiest part for me. Because I have been raised in a faith culture that didn’t teach me to fear my higher power. Admitting to myself required me to peel back the layers of denial and self-preservation and outward persona that I had hidden behind.
I have shared in all of my previous blogs that my desire to get well, at this point in my life, exceeded my desire to keep doing things the same. So I picked up a pen and began to write. The final part of this step says “another human being.” It’s not pleural. That’s not to imply you can’t repeat this step many times over your wellness journey. But my getting better wasn’t dependent on how many people knew this truth. Everyone doesn’t deserve to hear our stories.
Brene Brown does some beautiful work in the area of vulnerability. She happens to have just celebrated 25 years of recovery. When she was reflecting this past week she said something really powerful. “Own the stories and the hard shit, or the stories you’re trying to outrun and the pain you’re denying will own you. The truth will set you free. It will kick your ass first, but then it will set you free. We don’t have to do the hard stuff alone. We weren’t meant to. We heal and connection.”
I can’t promise you doing this step will be the same for you as it was for me. I hope you have as gracious a sponsor as I did. I promise you will walk through this step with new freedom to show up fully present and fully yourself for life!
Wishing you courage hope and love as we journey this beautiful road of recovery in connection
