We have a saying in Al-Anon, “The family condition is bound to improve even if only one of its members is practicing the principles of recovery.” I remember clinging to this life-giving hope the first several months of finding this alternate way to view life and put its challenges into new perspective.
Could this be true? It was not about someone else’s choices? Well, that was a mind shift for me. But I was so ready for change I was willing to explore the possibility. As the months of owning my choices and reactions went by, my home became more peaceful. Even in the presence of active addiction. I could feel the shift. My children benefited from a healthy mom. From a parent that made choices to care for herself and pause before reacting to a “trigger.” They were not walking on eggshells. They began to stop retreating to their rooms and laughter returned to our home.
Now, 4 years later, though we no longer live with active addiction, we continue to live in the joy of a home that largely embraces the principles of recovery. I have often said, “It all matters.” And that truth continues to be affirmed in my parenting.
A few weeks ago, I was packing lunches and my 18yo saw me put it in her lunchbox and she said, “Look, momma!” She then unzipped her wallet and showed me a dozen tattered notes from the past few years. I almost wept. She said she kept them because whenever she was feeling down, she would take them out and read them. I had no idea they had that kind of impact. I just knew her love language was words of affirmation so I tried to put a note in her lunch as often as I could.
Another reminder to me that effort matters come every night at bedtime. My 12-year-old still asks me to come lay with her and recap the day, say prayers, and tuck her in. I try to take a deep breath and remind myself there is so much beauty in the mundane. It is not always about the next big thing. There is magic in the moments. I miss it when I am thinking about by the next thing or what someone else is doing.
My son takes delight in walks together after dark and driving practice. Just the two of us. Just talking about the ordinary. With his heart condition, he craves the ordinary. When I look through his lens, I realize how extremely easy it is to take for granted the simple pleasures.
We are profoundly better as a family—as individuals—for choosing to live life off the merry-go-round of the family disease of addiction. Every time one of my kids gives voice to their feelings, or stands up for themselves, or speaks their truth even when it may not be well-received, I celebrate a bit within my spirit. I know this means there is a better chance they may be the cycle-breaking warriors I pray for every day! There is hope for the things to look different.
“There was a moment when I realized I am no longer the same person. Life has changed. And the me before slowly faded in the fabric of years. If I looked closely, the scars were there, but they no longer caused pain. Now they were simply a part of my story. Instead of being something I ran from they became something that created the strength and who I am now.“ ~Rachel Marie Martin
