Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.
“I’m all in!”
“Go big or go home!”
“I don’t do anything halfway!”
Any of these sound familiar? So often we can become people of extremes. Addiction not only shows up as extremes in the user but also in those who love them. Relaxing into the flow of life more naturally and listening to the rhythms of life and our bodies is a much more peaceful way to live. Those of us who find ourselves in the program of Al-Anon have often lived with either a distorted, self-righteous view of ourselves—that all the pain suffered was the result of someone else’s choices or behaviors, or the opposite—that some of us have an unwarranted sense of responsibility for our role in the difficulties and pain in our family. Neither is an entirely accurate view of reality. If we were honest with ourselves, even if we had the purest of intentions, sometimes our reactions to alcoholism hurt those in our lives. Conversely, if we let go of the lie that it’s all our fault and that if we tried harder, loved better, performed in the alignment with all that was demanded, we could ease the suffering of others, then we could hold ourselves with a bit more compassion. The beauty of step 8 is that it allows us to more realistically look at our actions and discern between what is and is not our responsibility. Is this suffering a result of their own choices, or am I contributing to the difficulty?
This step is entirely about us, our actions, and our reactions. This step requires rigorous honesty. Once I make a list, my part is to be willing to make amends. I remember reading in some literature that I could make 3 categories if the list seemed too overwhelming: those I am willing to make, those I may possibly make, and those I can’t imagine myself ever making. This lack of rigidity allows me to move forward as my healing allows. I can be gentle with myself in this process. Unlike those phrases that began this blog, I don’t have to do any of this healing all at once. Like all of my life, this healing, through the steps, is a journey. My willingness is the key. Until I’m able to embrace this step with a lot of compassion for myself, I may not be ready to take it. The focus is always healing. It is not an opportunity to make myself feel better at some else’s expense, nor is it about shaming myself about past behaviors. Al-Anon, for me, is ultimately about radical awareness of myself and an acceptance of life as it actually is. This frees my energy in every way for the beauty of truly living.
The first person on my list was myself. If I believed everything alcoholism told me, I’d have to apologize to everyone I knew for being me. In the words of the late Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Many of my amends are living amends, meaning while I can’t go back and undo the damage, I can make every effort to show up differently in those same situations in the future. Over time, I can learn to trust myself to make choices that honor me and the woman God created me to be. My children were next on my list. My sincere apology for either directly hurting their hearts, or for allowing others to exact their personal pain on them, were made. But again, outside of apologizing for my part in the past, most of my amends to my children have been lived out over the past 5 years. Showing up differently. Do I get it right 100% of the time? Of course not. But I have the awareness, can apologize, and receive grace to move forward. Your list may include extended family, friends, or co-workers.
Ultimately, this step has allowed me so much more personal freedom, less resentment, more generosity and grace for myself and others. To paraphrase the words of Luke 7:47, (s)he who is forgiven much loves much. I wish you courage and gentleness as you embrace step 8 and the freedom it brings.
