The first time I heard this phrase it hit me right in the face. It was so obvious. However, it meant I had to look at myself. Which meant it rubbed against my own pride—creating even more value for the simple phrase. I have said many times that I never grow when I am comfortable. That is an easy thing to say in retrospect.
When we are face-to-face with a growth moment, the path of least resistance usually means I miss an opportunity to course correct. Those of us who have found ourselves in the rooms of Al-Anon always find it quite easy to describe the unmanageability of our circumstances. We may even notice patterns repeating themselves, particularly with our alcoholics. However, we seem to keep up with the same insanity of repeating behaviors. It is like we are trying to elicit change in another person. . . as if we had not produced a creative enough way to remind someone of how they hurt us, or of how their choices affect the family situation.
Surely if I could just say it one thousand diverse ways, one of them would matter. This keeps the focus on somebody else. It keeps me from growing. Without any change in direction, I will end up exactly where I am headed. So, this remarkably simple Al-Anon slogan is an abrupt slap in the face to my others-focused way of thinking about my life. This way of thinking immediately removes my ability to create change. More importantly, it abdicates my responsibility in my own life, and that cost is too high. This kind of thinking keeps me stuck. If I were not careful, 30 years could pass, and I would still have the same victim/martyr mentality about my life. This way of thinking is a dangerous place and most often leads to complacency.
Complacency and comfort are the enemies of growth.
Complacency is settling for something, even though it may result negatively. We are lulled to sleep in our arena of growth. It seems ironic to think that we would be comfortable living with or loving an addict in active addiction. But the truth is, it becomes so familiar that our insanity becomes comfortable to us. For us, it is what we knew growing up—it was not for me personally —but my story is a bit of an outlier in the rooms of Al-Anon.
Most in these rooms have grown up with the family disease of addiction. What seems wildly unhealthy to an outsider is so familiar that it is comfortable to us in an equally sad way. If they are sick, we do not have to look at ourselves, our behavior, blaming and placing the power of our lives in someone else’s hands. As long as we concentrate on them as being sick, we do not have to look at ourselves, our behaviors, or our blame placing. We are placing the power of our lives in someone else’s hands. As scary as it is to look at how desperate your situation might be today, and say to yourself, “I can only change me.” It is equally freeing.
I have the power of God (Higher Power) and need to change my life.
Complacency can be as simple as believing we are right about all our beliefs and opinions about others in each situation. It removes the possibility of an open mind and applying the concepts of kindness and understanding toward others. It keeps us locked in our views and can freeze us from seeing things as ever being different. Keeping an open mind is a key ingredient to growth. Believing that there are solutions to our problems that we cannot even imagine today, is another way to make room for growth. Doing the next right thing in front of us is also a step toward new paths. Radical self- honesty is another way to add a turbo boost to change.
When we can take an honest inventory of ourselves and look at where we have added to the confusion and turmoil n own journeys, we unlock a new mindset for making different choices the next time we are given a similar opportunity.
I want to make it very clear I do not want to confuse comfort and complacency with being content. Contentment is valuable in every situation in life. And there is room for contentment in every stage of growth. But choosing the couch over the gym, or a bag of chips over food prep, or avoiding a difficult conversation to keep the peace are choices that have never allowed me to grow in any way— physically, spiritually, or mentally. So, here is to the courage to see ourselves with eyes wide open enough to see the ways in which we can make powerful shifts in our behaviors that allow for a beautiful and free life!!
“To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.” ~Helen Keller
