As much of a paradox as it may seem, step three has taught me that the more I depend on God the freer I become. Step three says, “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.“ Many people summarize the first two steps as “I can’t,“ and step three as “God can.” In the years I have spent practicing surrender to his will, the more freedom I have experienced in my personal life.
When I was able to become honest with myself, I realized I tended to let other people make a lot of decisions about my life without actually taking very much responsibility for my own choices. I found myself believing that I knew better what everyone else should do with their lives and feeling responsible for their choices; then feeling accountable for their consequences without taking care of what I could for my own life.
My understanding of surrendering my will means that I can let go and observe my feelings, my choices, my resentments, my relationships, the big and small details of my life—and turn them over to a Power much greater than myself. It was glaringly obvious that my attempts to control or manipulate other people’s choices and outcomes were a failure. And in fact, I had neglected caring for myself while believing I was helping someone else. So, I had very little to lose from a logical perspective by choosing to let go. This did not come easily. Even though I have spent my life in the tradition of faith that supported the concept of surrender, I had so many conversations in my teens and 20s and even 30s with some of my close friends about the inner conflict I felt about knowing in my head that I should surrender but, in my heart, not being able to let go.
But in a place of profound crisis, like so many of us find the programs of recovery, with my family unit destroyed by this disease, I was at a point where I was more than willing to surrender. It was really my only choice. And I have found that humility has served me well over the last four years living with the new perspectives.
I can trust my Higher Power with the small decisions, but more importantly with the big decisions. I don’t have to know the details of how things work out to know that I can trust him. I don’t have to see the solution to know that I will be cared for. And that is a much better way to live.
When I find that I am living from a place of fear or resentment I know that it is a reminder to go back to the Steps. The more honest I can be about my own limitations the more grateful I am for a God without any. All those years I spent trying to do everything on my own meant that everywhere that I had a lack was a gaping hole in my ability to solve problems. I was never meant to do life alone.
So many have had such a negative encounter in their past with religion. I have learned over the years that this can jade one’s perspective of a God of their understanding. My only hope is to encourage you in the spiritual practices and principles of recovery. It is not about rules or religion it is about a relationship with One who has no limitations. It is my hope to keep placing my life in the care of those capable hands.
“Gods gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.” Elizabeth Barrett Brown
