I refer to myself lovingly as a recovered control freak.

I will never forget the day that changed my life… It was my son‘s birthday. We were out at a restaurant as a family with my mother and my brother to celebrate. After everyone ordered, I decided I needed to ask for the sauces that my children wanted since they forgot to mention them. As soon as the waiter walked away, my oldest daughter looked at me and said, “Mom, I can do it by myself; you are so controlling”.

What?! How could I be perceived as the crazy one? I wasn’t the addict. There is a funny phrase we have in recovery: If you want to spot an alcoholic, look for the crazy spouse. I didn’t have this perspective yet.

I didn’t yet realize that it was in my absence of being able to control circumstances, or other’s choices in my life, that I had somehow come to a place of hyper-controlling things that were not mine to control. Somewhere along this delusional path, my children became aware of my neurotic behavior. I would like to say that it felt like cupid’s arrow, but it felt like a quickening in my heart. My daughter didn’t know it then, but she gifted me in a powerful and beautiful way. That was the day that I began to take notice of my own behavior. I began seeking resources and doing as clear a self-inventory, as I was capable of in that moment.

Through the beautiful fellowship of Al-Anon, I found out I wasn’t the only one to behave this way. While there was comfort in that, there was also an accountability to do better once I knew better. I began to focus my energy on what was actually mine to control, my own behaviors, my own responses and my reactions to other people’s choices. At the end of the day, my belief that I had any control over anything beyond that was simply an illusion. Other people’s choices are entirely up to them. I can choose whether or not their choices are acceptable to me, or how I will respond to them. I certainly cannot control another human being’s choice, and any attempt to do so would create a significant amount of resentment in that relationship.

It took me a few years of modified behavior and holding myself accountable to those I love most to change my attitude in this area. I can tell you it brings a profound sense of freedom to live without the illusion of control. I can imagine that it is much more enjoyable to be my child, my friend, or my partner if I do not believe that it is my job to control any of your choices or behaviors. I know that it is a beautiful thing for me to be able to live with the knowledge that I can only control my own behaviors and attitudes and choices. It is my wish that my children also see the changes and choose to do life with this perspective as well. Regardless, I will forever embrace this reality.

Much love
Suzy

Suzy

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